What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:27
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is the one thing you don't understand that others do?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were not on the streets..
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She wouldn,t have been !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
I think the readers, may guess!
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What is your biggest mistake or regret?
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
It was going to be , some day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He resisted the act ,that day.